I Got 19 Problems & Being A Pole Dancer Is One
19 Pole Dancer Problems
Ah living that pole life. We obviously love it and if you’re reading this blog I’m almost certain you have crossed the line from mildly interested in pole dancing to ‘soz-I-can't-go-I-have-pole' obsessed. But with this beautiful love affair comes its own array of very unique issues. The pole won’t sit in a canoe with you surrounded by ducks, in the rain, and tell you it wrote you every day for a year (ahhh The Notebook). Pole dancing has very special baggage that it brings to the relationship that only us pole dancers can relate to.
Here are 19 pole dancer problems we often face in this glittery world, just to name a few...
1. Say my name, say my name
Is it a layback? A waterfall? A back crucifix? What do you call it?!! The names of pole dancing tricks are usually different across studios, cities, countries, and probably universes. I could bet there’s some unidentified life-force out there, pole dancing on Saturn’s rings calling it a “Star-Lay” or something unheard of. If you have attended other studios or taken a workshop with an overseas pole dancer, you know the feeling of needing to learn their ‘pole language’. So, can we all just take a moment to appreciate our teachers for having to deal with this issue quite often, and could someone please create a universal dictionary of pole names that if you don’t use, you are fined 5 pairs of Pleasers? Applications for hot police polers to monitor this are now open (pre-requisites: must have great booty).
2. Bad-ass bruises
For some wild reason, we wear our pole bruises like badges of honour. Did we just take a pole class where we hang off a piece of steel using our elbow? Yes ma’am. Did we just learn a helix grip flip and now our biceps rival the spots of the 101 Dalmatians? You know it. Pole dancers are very proud of their bruises as they tend to be a visual representation of the blood, sweat and tears it took to achieve a pole trick. Some pole dancers bruise more than others, and as we become more advanced our skin seems go all ‘evolution’ on us and toughen into some kind of super-tough croc skin. Either way, our friends and family (“the civilians”) think we are absolutely bonkers and slightly sadistic, but we are so here for it.
3. Our lips are sealed
While normal civs are checking to see if their booty crease is showing in a mini-skirt, pole dancers have their head in-between their legs (or their mate’s head) doing the ol’ crotch check. You can’t say we aren’t a classy bunch – we are just ensuring that the lips stay sealed, so to speak. The crotch check often happens after buying a new pair of booty shorts or when your comp costume finally arrives. Is everything covered as it should be? Can you split without the edges gapping? You think you are safe and suddenly, mid-jade split, you feel a labia leap loose. Oh the humiliation! Luckily, it’s just another day in the pole world, and our teachers and classmates will kindly tell us to pop Falicia the Flap back in and loan you their pole shorts.
4. Not THAT side
You think those Rubik's cube competitors have to think fast? You clearly haven’t been to a pole class, where a new 5 trick combo is taught and a pole dancer has to work out WHICH SIDE to do the tricks on to achieve ultimate good-side power. Yes, I hear it too – the little voice of my teacher telling me I should have been training both sides so it shouldn’t be a problem – but you know what Jessica? This isn’t taco Tuesday. We can’t all just have BOTH hard and soft tacos and know BOTH sides. Therefore, I’m going to spend majority of the class working out which tricks I need to sacrifice to my non-preferred side, just so I can end up in my preferred iron X at the end. I know we have ALL been there, and if you haven’t yet... ah grasshopper, just you wait.
5. Lobster limbs
This so eloquently segways from the last point – if you don’t train both sides often, you will start to notice one arm becomes bigger than the other. There shouldn’t be favourites in the bicep game, but the undeniable fact is that there is, and one certainly starts to bulge more than the other. Pole dancers tend to dominate with one preferred side when doing pole tricks, and if we aren’t levelling them out with the other side of our bodies, it is inevitable one arm will be just a bit bigger than the other. The Little Black Dress is out this season my friends, and the Lobster Bicep Dilemma is in!
6. My lovely lady lumps
This one is for the bigger busted ladies! This very common issue became apparent to me years ago when I started teaching. We were learning how to do a brass monkey flag (or a shotgun grip-flag). One of my students couldn’t quite get the bicep/armpit grip required and we realised it was because her boobs just got in the way! You either are that pole dancer, or you have a friend who is that pole dancer. Constantly getting suffocated by the girls when upside down, bruising boobs while transitioning through new tricks or forever encountering a mid-trick nip-slip. While it must be frustrating at times, I’m here to let you know we love our busty babe polers and admire how well you deal with this extra hurdle in your pole training!
7. Goldilocks grip syndrome
Nothing makes a pole dancer happier than having perfect grip day! When the stars align and you have the heavenly mix of ultimate body tackiness and stick, but your hands are sweat free and ready to carry you through a 5min pole combo (jokes!). However, the next day comes along and it’s JUST NOT RIGHT. It’s too hot outside. It’s too cold. The pole is cold. You had 5 coffees that day and now your hands will not stop sweating. The moon is in its eighth phase and Mars is in retrograde today. Pole dancers can get very fussy when it comes to getting the perfect grip balance, and some days, depending on many things, it just won’t be a ‘good grippy day’ and our loved ones should be warned before we get home (has an app notifying them been created for this yet?!).
Meme credit: Pole Lols
8. Can I be comp-cloned?
You think choosing what pole wear to buy is a tough decision? Well it is beaten (only just) by the decision of which pole competition to enter when they are scheduled for the SAME DAY. Even the same weekend can be tough if they are in different states. It’s like asking you to choose your favourite cat. You will eventually choose one, or enter both hoping you will only be accepted into one, but the guilt and ‘what ifs’ will last until... well your next pole dancer problem arises!
9. Um, that’s my pole
So you’ve gotten to your weekly pole class a tad late and EXCUSE ME?! Who is that using ‘my’ pole? Yes, the odd nature of claiming the same pole to use in that studio for every class is much more frequent than you think. I like to classify these people (yes myself included) into 2 categories. Firstly, the ones who sprint to the pole like Cathy Freeman and claim it by the very distinguished placement of the drink bottle / pole grip / gym towel. Then they fluff about for 5min getting ready for class. The other group are the Subtle Susans. These are the polers who must get their pole, but they laugh their way into the studio, strategically placing themselves closest to the pole, touch it as though they are still deciding if they’ll used it (yeah right) and politely pop their things down near it. It’s all about that perfect mirror distance, pole spacing, spin quality, trick superstition... girl, if you know, you know.
Meme credit: Pole Lols
10. That’s my ex-favourite song
You will overhear many civs talking about how a radio station has killed the love of their favourite song by playing it over and over again. The pole dancing equivalent of this is attending different pole comps throughout the year and seeing routines performed to that song, over and over again. You don’t even have to see the comp live – just seeing videos from comps and classes performing to your treasured song is enough for you to set it on fire and delete from all of your Spotify playlists. Put it this way – if this was the MySpace era it would be deleted from your profile songs faster than it took to demote your ex from your top friends. Time might pass and eventually heal your grief so that the song can make its return as a ‘classic’ but until then... RIP.
11. Will that dress fit my lats?
While pole dancers will happily buy pole wear and active wear, sometimes buying ‘normal clothes’ isn’t as breezy. You know this feeling if you have ever been shopping for a dress to wear to a friend's wedding for example. Once pole dancing has split-dropped into your life, you now need to search for a dress that will make you look more Bruce Banner and less The Incredible Hulk. We love our carefully crafted muscles and pole dancing bodies, but searching for an outfit that suits your pole dancer shoulders, biceps and pecs while still looking cute, can be harder than finding Wally. Let’s hear it for the boys too! Those who wear suits each day and live in constant fear that their pole guns might bust free any moment – we feel you man!
12. Footloose
You have just nailed that insane pole combo your teacher taught you in class, you filmed it, had great lightning, no one video-bombed you, the timing with the music was awesome... but your feet look like you’ve just attempted running over hot coals. You think pole dancers have dirty souls? No, my little nugget, we have dirty soles – of our feet. Deal with it.
13. Storage almost full
The worst notification you can get on your phone, besides “5% battery remaining”. The message of dread which usually pops up on our phones literally in the middle of pole class. No we did not think to clear out the 16 videos practicing our twerking earlier, and now there is the mad panic to delete what is hopefully some useless video (and not that epic run of your comp routine). The video cull can be savage – cute videos of your friend's babies are deleted, that karaoke moment at your bestie's birthday – all for a clean run of the latest pole combo or dance routine. It’s brutal, but very necessary.
14. Can I split on that?
As you inch closer and closer to a split touchdown, I feel that your brain begins to produce an unconscious neurological reaction in which you start to think about what things you can split on more often. It’s just chemistry (they should be teaching this in schools). Your normal pose for photos starts to transition from the ‘show-girl-one-knee-popped-hand-on-hip' pose to your favourite split. On top of landmarks, hand rails, trees, on beaches, bridges – the list is endless and soon you will be that friend who is always at the front of photos doing a majestic split #sorrynotsorry
Image credit: Pony Poison Memes
15. Heels to the head
Einstein came up with a little something called the theory of relativity, but I’m pretty sure even he didn’t see your Pleasers coming to stiletto you in the head as you became more flexible. Here you are looking dazzling as you dance it out in class, leg twizzles here, a sexy worm there, but just when you’re about to serve up some serious WAP looks, you kick yourself in the head with your 8inch heels like a total goose. Pole dancers have incredible spatial awareness, knowing where our body is on the pole at all times to execute tumbles and drops galore, yet here we are kicking ourselves in the noggin.
16. Socials impatience
Another pole dancer posts a cool split trick, shape or combo on Instagram but here they are spending a good 20sec ‘dancing’ their climb. I know our teachers are forever hounding us to dance into tricks and exit nicely, but I just want to see that damn tumble on repeat, and by the time we get there my grip has dried up. I’m pretty sure that this one takes the cake for first world pole dancer problems which are very minor but oh so annoying!
17. Money, money, money
While our hearts are full of passion and purpose for pole, our pockets are often quite light. Pole dancing is a unique form of fitness and quite tailored, so classes can be pricey. Of course this depends on your pole priorities, and whether you’re taking pole once a week to get fit and socialise, or if you are taking 6 classes a week and are determined to become the next Miss Pole Dance Australia. Everyone is different, so it’s totally okay to be either one of these! But I’m sure at some stage we have all taken that extra shift at work or started a side hustle to pay for an extra workshop, have an incredible comp costume or do a extra class. You think we pole dance to pay our way through law school? No honey. We go to law school to earn the big bucks so we can do more pole!
18. Sandpaper Hands
One change you will notice when you start pole dancing is that our hands can rival any tradies’. Callouses form and become ingrained in our palms, and while we wish we could have silky soft, smooth, lovely “ladylike” hands which smell delightful covered in luscious hand creams, we can’t. Or won’t! Our hand grip is WAY too important to us to sacrifice it to some charismatic creams. You are just going to have to deal with us and our butchered palms and rough skin, especially during comp season! While our mits might become a bit manky, usually you will find our nails are manicured to perfection, keeping it a pole party on top, but business underneath!
19. The Tin Man life
Pole dancers are ALWAYS sore. We may not be injured (and I hope you aren’t ignoring that persistent niggle – see my interview with The Pole Physio as to why), but wow we are creakier than Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz. It’s Pole 101 - pole dancing is a FULL body workout, so you may not have worked your shoulders much in class this week, but sneezing will have your abs screaming at you. I mean, if you don’t crack something when you get up in the morning, are you even a pole dancer? While tackling the staircase at work the next day might be like climbing Mt Everest, by the next warm up your blood will be pumping and the pole magic will flow again, ready for the next pole move to antagonize you! It’s the circle of [pole] life.
Image: Pole Dancing Adventures
Have some more Pole Dancer Problems to add? I’m sure this list could become endless! Tell me what you would add in the comments below!
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